It’s now or never

I’ve recently made decisions which will bring about big but welcomed changes. It’s all exciting and I feel like a child with a key to the candy shop. It will involve walking away from certain people, situations, old habits, and the old me. After re igniting the real me, I’m glad to say the old version has finally gone.

I toasted the new-found feeling of freedom by a ceremonial throwing out of everything that doesn’t represent or isn’t part of the real me, and by braying the living daylights out of a cushion with a tennis racket. One way of diffusing anger and bad feelings you have about others or situations is by imagining them or it as the cushion. I may have done this a little too hard as my shoulder muscles the following day were aching like I’d been in a boxing match with Tyson.

However, it’s a good trick to use to get rid of anger, resentment and hurt. What may be slightly harder to do but is absolutely essential is to let it go (don’t keep re visiting it). Once you have finished your braying session (you may need a few), turn around, turn your back on the past, and look forward with brightness and freedom to the new future you are about to create. For those who don’t think I’m serious about the next chapter in my life, then just watch me. Some think I’m mad (nothing new there really), some think I’m making a mistake, and some churn up the old resentment and jealous feelings that just become boring after a while.

Most of these people are what I call bubble bursters. They try to discourage you from following your own goals and dreams because they don’t have the courage to follow their own. By now you probably know what I would say to those but just in case you don’t, it’s along the lines of “up yours”. I’m a very driven and passionate woman, as I talked about in the blog Beautiful Nightmare, yet I couldn’t get my next chapter in life to work and this Irritated me! I did the ‘pacing the floors’ in the early hours of the morning scenario, wondering why isn’t it happening. What is it I’m not getting? I’ve planned, I’ve set the intention, I have the vision (I can almost touch it), I’m focused and I have the feeling of I know this is right on many levels, so why why WHY am I still stuck in my situation?

It was the same kind of feeling portrayed in the scene from the film Eat, Pray, Love: (I adore this book/film by the way), where Liz (Julia Roberts) knows she loves her man but can’t admit it or say it. It’s a weird place to be when you know your next goal, dream or chapter is right, but yet there’s something stopping you.

At some point between behaving like a diva and a poor me attitude (only short lived as I really can’t bear the poor me attitude,) I realised I’d made a fatal error and one that I should have know better than to miss… I didn’t make the decision for it to happen ‘now’ nor did I believe it would happen ‘now’. It was all going to happen in the future; ‘Once I’ve done this bit I can then move on to that,’ type of thinking. The problem in thinking in those ways is that in the future is where it always stays. I paid attention to how I spoke about it for example and it was always, ‘hopefully when…’ ‘I’d like to…’ ‘this is the idea…’ and so on, which is very different from how you speak and act when you have made a decision that is to take immediate effect. When you do that, your dialogue, attitude, vibe and mindset changes to, ‘I am doing…’ ‘I am going…’ and far more definite talk and subsequent action.

Now I’ve acknowledged what was stopping me and made the decisions, I feel ten tonnes lighter and I no longer give my time and energy to those who don’t deserve it.I can see clearly, but while running back and forth in your current situation and frustrations (that you are trying to leave behind), it’s actually impossible to do that if you don’t make the decision to do so. You might think you have done this by having it all mapped out, in whatever way works for you That, however, is not the same as making a definite decision and doing it.

To steal ‘the word’ from Eat, Pray, Love: because I can’t think of a better one and I love the Italian language, until next time.

Attraversiamo,

Annaliese x

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